HOW to Have Better Sex: 5 Tips to Get in the Mood
In the world of “WAP” and female sexuality at the forefront as never before, we shouldn’t shy away from talking about sex. But feeling ready for sex isn’t always as easy as macaroni in a pot.
Hot take: It's on YOU to get yourself in the mood for sex.
We know. It can be incredibly hard to feel sexy at the drop of a dime. That’s because women aren’t all built that way, despite what movies and media may portray. But that doesn’t mean we can’t work towards it.
There’s no “on” switch
As much as we wish there was such a thing, women don’t come with switches. Heck, we don’t even come with one-size-fits-all responses to sexual stimulation.
The saying that men are like microwaves and women are like ovens is there for a reason. Sometimes we need our whole day to lineup just right so we can feel like gettin’ it on. There’s no 30-second turbo speed button.
Don’t leave your body, mind, relationships, and good vibes to chance. Here are five tips we love on HOW to get in the mood for sex.
1. Learn your body (and what you like)
Let’s start at anatomy. Many women, let alone men, don’t even know the names for our genitalia. The Goop Lab did an entire Netflix episode on this phenomenon alone: “Understanding Sex and Female Pleasure.”
In the show, sex educator Betty Dodson teaches us the difference between the vulva and the vagina and how everyone gets it wrong. Hint: vulva = the outside; vagina = inside. In other words, no one is licking your vagina. No one can even see your vagina (save your gyno). It’s a vulva.
Some of us learned to find and touch our vulvas (aka masturbate) thanks to Cosmopolitan magazine, while others explored sexuality through relations with a partner. Both methods are instrumental in discovering what you like, don’t like, or want to try physically. Knowing your body and what makes it tick is your biggest sexual advantage.
2. Get in the headspace
Newsflash: every woman is different. Whereas most men are sexually stimulated by the visual, women can be a little more complicated. This is where we get to be creative!
Maybe you like taking a hot bath, turning on a sexy movie or cleaning your room to feel physically and mentally organized. Prepping your mind is just as important as your body to have better sex.
You need to detox your mind from other stressors, too. Work drama, negative news (we see you 2021), or unfinished chores can haunt your brain. This is where those positive relaxers, such as House of Wise Sex products, can help you release tension and loosen up.
3. Boost confidence
Getting a great workout in, the perfect Spotify playlist, or new underwear can set the stage for your time to shine. You can have all the sexy lingerie in the world but never get anywhere without a love for yourself.
Remember: sex is a body and mind game. Self-compassion is essential to feeling confident about sex, according to Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff. Three things make up self-compassion:
- Self-kindness: Treat yourself like you would a friend
- Common humanity: Know you’re not alone in your feelings
- Mindfulness: Be aware of the moment
Her point? Be your biggest cheerleader. Practice telling yourself what you like about YOU. It will go a long way.
4. Feel comfortable with your partner
This should be a given, but if it’s not for you, here’s your hall pass. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t make you feel safe or valuable. Period.
A safe space for consensual sex is essential to your wellbeing. Make sure your partner is open to hearing about what you like and don’t like. The best way to frame your feedback is by telling them what you enjoy. If they’re doing something you don’t like, divert them to something else in a positive way (don’t’ forget the dirty talk). This will help their confidence also and give them a guide to your body.
5. Be intentional about sex
As much as we intend on getting around to sex or wishing it would happen spontaneously, sometimes it doesn’t. If you’re busy with a job or family (or both), you know time is a precious resource. Make sure you are intentional about making time for it (or even just make time for self-love!).
Put it on the calendar
Scheduling sexy time doesn’t have to feel transactional if you do it right. Hey, it’ll be the most exciting meeting all week. Send your partner sexts throughout the day looking forward to your “meeting” later. Flying solo? Don't be afraid to take some sexy photos for your eyes only.
Create a sex sanctuary
Having space intended for sex is a great way to control the environment, helping you get in the mood. For many, this is the bedroom. But what if your master doubles as your office, is overrun by your kids and their toys, or is a co-sleeping cuddle fest? Create a space or instance where part of your home can be a regular sex sanctuary.
No matter what sex looks like for you, we're here to help. The biggest thing to remember is that our sexuality is something to be treasured, expressed, and celebrated - with or without a partner. Don’t let anyone tell you different.